what to do when i dont want to live
'I don't want to alive anymore but I'm scared to dice' is one of the most-searched mental illness confessions on Google.
How exercise I know this? Because I've searched it myself.
For many months, I felt suicidal. I really didn't desire to continue to live the way I was living anymore. Only I didn't want to die.
I was afraid of dying. The fear of the unknown of what happens later decease was too overwhelming, and I panicked that I might make an attempt and regret it and then it'd be also late.
As well, deep down, I didn't really desire to dice. I only wanted to stop existing.
The overwhelming feelings of mental disease that I was living with at the fourth dimension were just too much for me. My listen was constantly racing, I felt on the verge of a panic set on most of the time, I felt constantly ill, I wasn't sleeping properly, and my moods were erratic.
It got to a betoken where I felt I was living then miserably that I questioned the point in life at all.
I started feeling heavily suicidal.
It's incredibly hard when you experience like yous don't want to live anymore, only you also don't want to die. It's like you're constantly in limbo, weighing up the adept and the bad in your life. Questioning whether you're going to get through this or whether you're destine for a life of hopelessness and emptiness.
Because that's how I felt: hopeless and empty.
I was having thoughts frequently almost ending my life and how I would do information technology. Where I would practise information technology, when I would exercise it and whether it was something I really wanted. At its worst, I planned information technology out.
Simply then I thought well-nigh my family unit, all the people I'd be leaving backside and how losing me would affect them.
This kept me holding on.
The trouble was that I've never been in a position where I've thought 'the world would be ameliorate off without me'. I experience like this is such a common misconception with suicidal thoughts, like it's something y'all but think about if y'all think nobody loves yous.
Just that'south not the example.
With me, I had a loving family unit, a supportive partner and good friends. I have a chore I love and I'g financially stable. From the outside world, my life looks good.
I know all of the above, and I didn't deny it to anyone who repeated it to me – merely that wasn't the problem.
The problem was I didn't desire to continue living with the feelings I had. I felt I was just existing, and that was no way to live.
Information technology felt like a never-ending wheel of fearfulness and intrusive thoughts. I felt I couldn't office properly, I was constantly scared – and why would I want to live the rest of my life in fright?
But the lesser line was, if there was a glimmer of me that felt too afraid to actually make an endeavor on my life, that must hateful something. Information technology must mean that at that place's something worth fighting for – like I still had some fight in me left.
No matter how consuming the thoughts were, knowing that there was a part of me that wondered whether I'd regret doing annihilation to damage myself was everything to me.
That incertitude forced me to keep going.
When I felt the dubiousness fading, I decided to speak out. I got assist from the Crunch team, an emergency mental health squad who ensure you lot are non a risk to yourself, and I chosen Samaritans.
The problem with the Crisis squad was that they were only available until 9pm, whereas Samaritans is a 24/7 helpline who I could call whenever needed.
I spent iv days in a row on the phone to a unlike volunteer. To them, I vented about my life, my feelings, my emotions and my thoughts, and they simply listened.
They didn't offer communication or tell me what to exercise, and they didn't brand me feel like I was overreacting or attention seeking – something that many people who feel suicidal worry about when speaking out – they simply gave me a safe zone where I knew it was okay to talk.
With the aid of the Crisis squad and Samaritans, eventually, the suicidal feelings lessened. It was a relief to have someone to confide in, and I really feel that the support guided me to feeling better about my life – similar the feelings would pass, and similar at that place was a future for me.
Considering that was one of the main fear-factors, that I had no future – that it was just going to be clouded with scary thoughts and feelings of hopelessness.
At kickoff, I didn't think talking to someone would really help. I was so downwards that I didn't think I'd ever escape the feelings, simply I was wrong.
Talking did help. And I am now in a place where when I feel really down, that'southward what I practice to keep myself going. I talk.
Although I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to die, the 80% of me that felt like giving up was enough to force me to get help.
I'yard grateful for that 20% of uncertainty, because information technology's what kept me going, and what continued to brand me wonder whether life would get better – which it did.
I won't lie to you, I nevertheless have feelings of doubt and hopelessness. I still have actually night days where I question my beingness and whether I have the forcefulness to keep going.
But, I think back to the times where I did keep going – and how the feelings did in fact become better – and I concur on.
And although sometimes information technology's hard to exercise so – I'thousand glad that I do.
If you are currently feeling suicidal or having feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness, please speak out. Confide in someone you lot trust: a friend, a family member, or your GP – who will be able to guide you on adjacent steps to receiving help.
If y'all need to talk, at whatever time of the 24-hour interval, phone call Samaritans on 116 123.
Contact Samaritans if you lot're struggling with mental affliction
Samaritans is a clemency and 24 hour helpline for people struggling with bad mental wellness.
It is run by volunteers who are on hand to listen 24 hours a twenty-four hour period.
They will not offer advice, or tell yous what to practice – they are simply at that place to listen.
You can phone call them on 116 123, or electronic mail them at jo@samaritans.org.
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Source: https://metro.co.uk/2018/05/14/mental-health-awareness-week-what-its-like-to-not-want-to-live-anymore-but-be-too-afraid-to-die-7544057/
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